Warning. Graphic. Anxiety attack.

I'm at my cousin Elizabeth's house, on her couch, chatting away on MSN to my friend Brad who lives in Michigan. We're talking about the usual stuff (our game we play) and general 'How are things?'-ness. I start to tell him about my anxiety attacks, and my mental state, when I start to get really sad. I well up a bit as he tells me that things will get better. I know they will, and tell him about the pills I'm on, and how many attacks I'm having, and I start to cry. I'm not sure why I'm crying, but I am. And I can't stop it. I tell Brad 'Bear with me, I'm having an attack'. He tells me okay, and I sit the laptop in front of me on the couch. I bend my knees, and bury my face in them, bring my arms up to my head, and grab onto my hair. Why I do this, I don't know. But it makes me feel slightly in control during it. I cry uncontrollably as I pull on my hair, until I feel a hand on my wrist. I look up and it's Elizabeth. She pulls me up to my feet and tells me to come to the bedroom so she can talk me through it.


I drift in and out of consciousness walking to her bedroom, and when I get to her bed, I fall onto it, face first, and bury my head in the pillows and cry harder. Liz is grabbing at my hands, trying to free them from my hair so that I don't yank out chunks of hair again.

My lungs are quivering, shaking, and not working very well. I can't control my lungs, and they're only taking very small quick breaths. My heart is beating out of my chest and I'm beginning to get scared. I drift out of consciousness again for a bit while I hear Liz talking to me, trying to keep me conscious. I stay this way for about 2 minutes until I can't breathe. I have an over-whelming feeling that I'm being choked. I pull at my shirt to get it away from my neck... the shirt isn't touching my neck. I take my shirt off anyways, and lay facedown on the bed again. I pass out again for who knows how long. Later, Liz tells me that during this time I am going from hot to cold faster then she can keep up with the cold face cloths and blankets. My legs were shaking uncontrollably, left hand shaking but for some odd reason not the right one. Breathing is erratic at best, short, sharp breaths. Elizabeth keeps talking to me so that I could concentrate on something, anything. I fade in and out of consciousness. Feel her rubbing my back, and her telling me to hold her hand and squeeze. After about 20 minutes, I can kinda open my eyes, but I still can't move. I realize Elizabeth is talking to me and my breathing is changing. I am able to take deeper and deeper breaths. I lay there, shaking, and trying to control my breathing, while staring off into space. I finally blink, and am able to focus on Liz. She has my fast acting pill in her hand a glass of water. She tells me to take it, but I can't move to lift my head to sip the water. I swallow the pill without water, and lay my head back down, trying to control my body and mind. Slowly, I'm able to move, and I sit up. My entire body is stiff, in pain, and like a dead weight.

I sit there for about 5 minutes, before getting up, going to the couch and passing out. My body isn't able to handle the emotional turmoil from the attack and I sleep well. That is... with some Lorazepam in my system to knock me out.

The next morning, I feel like I got hit by a truck. Slowly wake up, and talk to Liz about my attack, since I have little to no recollection of the night before.

I suffer from severe anxiety attacks. This was probably my worst one.
Just thought I'd give everyone a heads up as to what I go through.

:)
Love you all.
-T

P.I.C.S.

Too tired to type.
Finally figured out how to post pics.
Random pics of Kitty, Dad's commissioning service and my apartment.
Enjoy.
Kitty, lookin' cute.
Kitty, being a pain. But I love her.
The 5 kids.
Dad and his brother Rocky, and his lady, Mary.
Dad and Donna.
Dad with his sister Linda and her man, Duck.
Dad with his sister Amy and her husband Archie (Eugene).
Mom and dad. Sweet pic!
Dad and Jonathan! :D

Me enjoying the barbershop quartet that sang at the service.
Mom, lookin' all happy during the Commissioning Supper.
Dad getting his Acadia Alumni pin.
During the Commissioning Service. A good angle for dad. :)
During the Laying of the Hands part of the service. April supported dad.
The three of us after the service. Awwww.
My apartment's kitchen and view of bathroom (taken from front door)
My living room, from doing a quarter turn once walking in the front door.
My bedroom. Ignore the fact that I need a paint job on my dresser.
The view out of my bedroom.


There. Now y'all can say that you saw the Commissioning Service, my Kitty, and my new apartment. :)

Short but sweet.

I'm not feeling so hot, so this'll be short.
Sorry for not posting recently. I know some people like to read my blog updates. To those people, I'm sorry. To those who don't care, lol, oh well! :)
I've gotten sick again, which isn't fun. My lung infection and asthma are back with vengeance. My cough is horrible, I've got lots of phlegm, and my nose is all runny. :( So... lots of chicken noodle soup for me. Which, by the way, is VERY difficult to open up when you don't have a can opener. Takes me about 15 mins to stab it open and get it in the pot... By then, I'm just too tired to cook. lol.

Not much has really happened recently. Worked a lot last week (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday) and then celebrated my time off by heading out to Dooly's in Windsor with Sandy, our cousin Amy (who I hadn't met until that day) and met up with Jeff, Becky, and Chris from the theatre. Once I figure out how to post pictures here, I'll post some of them here. It was a really fun night until about 11 or so when I got this over-whelming sense of wanting to go home. After about an hour and half of trying to persuade Sandy to leave, we finally did. On the way home, I had a chocolate bar and broke a piece off my tooth. Once we got to Port Williams, I told Sandy to slow down because Scrat was outside. Well... no longer did I say that, and we rounded a corner, and I saw a black figure lying in the middle of the road. Sandy pulled over, and I went to look. It was Scrat. He had been hit by a car and left in the middle of the road. I cried... and cried... and cried. I couldn't leave him in the middle of the road, so I drug him off the road by his tail and then we went to my apartment. I cried, called my parents, cried some more. At this point Sandy suggested we ask the guy upstairs, Tommy, (who Sandy is kinda friends with) if he can come and help. I just couldn't leave Scrat on the side of the road, dead, for the crows and other animal. So, we got Tommy, who got a box and we went to get Scrat off the road. Got him, then went behind the house and buried him. I cried... a lot. Then went in the house and cuddled Kitty and fell asleep on the couch.
Sunday, I went to a baby shower for a girl at work, Katie. She's due in just about a month. Having a boy, Caeden. The shower was fun, that's for sure.
Sunday night I went to the city to hang out with Liz. That was fun. We chatted for a bit and had fun.
Monday, I had a 'date'. Not even a date, just hung out with a guy, Joe. Took him to the valley, showed him around, cooked him Mr. Noodles at my apartment, talked for a bit, watched him fall asleep on my couch, then made fun of him when he woke up because he was half-snoring, half-purring. After that, we talked a little more, then headed back to the city. He paid for my gas, which was nice:)
Monday night I hung out with Liz for a bit, had supper out (Yay chinese!), chatted on MSN with some people, and ended the night with me feeling like crap and not being able to keep warm. Fell asleep on the couch, under blankets, the heat turned up, and a winter hat on.
Woke up this morning, went online, didn't do much, left the city and headed into work for 11:15. Worked til 3:45. Talked with my supervisor about my lungs (he could hear my throat and my coughing and hacking from across the room), and he told me to take the second half of my split off to get some rest and try to get better.

So... that's where I am. Just sitting at the library, checking emails and such before I go home and have some more chicken noodles soup-from-a-can-that-I-have-to-mangle-to-open.

Anyone who wants to visit me at my new apartment, you're totally welcome! It gets lonely. I don't have the internet there, BUT, I did find out today that the cable hasn't been disconnected. So! Free cable for right now. :D YAY! Internet to be connected on Friday.
Ciao!
-T

Wanna read a novel? Read this!

(sorry about any spelling or grammar errors. I didn't feel like doing a spell check after writing this monstrosity)


Wow. I think that was the longest I've gone without posting to the blog. A whole week and two days! In that time, I had some days that nothing happened, and some days that lots happened.
Basically, Tuesday, not much happened. I know I worked, and then went to Megan's house for the night. Wednesday... same thing. Went to work, went to Megans. Ended up feeling kinda lonely at Megans, so I was chatting with my cousin Elizabeth and she invited me up. So... in my car I go. Drove to Halifax (well... Dartmouth). Elizabeth and I chatted for a little and then we both passed out. We woke up Thursday, hung out, didn't do much, etc. Around 2:30, I got really tired and realized I needed a nap if I was going to drive to New Tusket that night from Dartmouth (That's three hours!!!). So, I fell asleep, and then woke up around 5:00, slightly panicked. I was due at Christy's house at 6:30 for Ice Capps with the girls, plus, I NEEDED to eat. So, Elizabeth and I rushed to Taco Bell (yummy!!!), and started to eat. Mid eating, I tried to remember Christy's number, but wasn't successful. Just as I was thinking about calling mom, she called me. (Eerie eh?) I told her where I was and that I would be late since it was already 5:45 and I had a 3 hour drive ahead of me and asked if she could call Christy to let know. Elizabeth and I finished up our supper, I dropped her off at Sobeys and then hopped on the highway.
The drive is a blur. I can't really remember... I think I got to New Tusket around 9:30 or 10:00. I sat on the floor, turned on my laptop and went through the 2 bags of clothes that I got from Christy and April Main. Mom and dad went to bed so I stayed online for a bit checking emails and chatting with people online. I dont remember what time I went to bed, but I do know it was late.
Friday I woke up around noon/12:30 or so. Went online. Kinda woke up. Was supposed to show up at Christy's at some point, but it took me a while to wake up. After chatting with some people, and doing some work emails, I got dressed and went over to Christy's. Christy was in the shower, so I hung out with Lauren, her friend Jill, and the youngest child of Corey and Christy's, Elizabeth. We played catch for a bit and talked until Christy got out of the shower. When Christy got out, she popped in a Barbie movie (Prince and the Popper????) Christy and I talked some more until Corey got home around 5:00. Christy needed to head out to take some rappie pie and trees to an auction, so I went home.
Dad had told me to be home by 5:00/5:30, so when I pulled in at 5:05ish, he was pleased. He asked if I had plans for supper ("Uhh... well, I'm here, aren't I?") and then asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him. Yay! Movie date with dad! We jumped in the car and then headed to Yarmouth. Pulled into the movie theatre and dad told me we were going to see Premonition. Double yay! I had been wanting to see that movie. So, we went in, got our tickets, stood in line for popcorn... went to the -right- line for popcorn (grrr), convinced dad to get a large pop and popcorn because you can get free refills, and then went into the theatre just in time. Compared to the New Minas cinemas, I liked this one better. The seats were seat up better and were more comfortable. Not 5 minutes later, the movie started.
Well... let me tell you... the movie was amazing. There was a part where I swear everyone in the theatre were jumping up and down and yelling at the man in the movie. We left, peed, and then went to the gas station to fill up. The drive home was nice. Rainy, but nice. All the way he teased me about how he was 'so glad we got the large popcorn and pop so we could get refills' (we didn't need the refills). Got home, chilled until mom got home. Dad teased me more in front of mom about the popcorn and pop and then they went to bed. I stayed up ... again... chatting. Again, I slept in, but it was nice. I drove dad to Sanky and Diane's house for him to go to a meeting, then came back home. Lounged around for a bit, and chatted, then felt horrible because I didn't make it to April's house when I was due to be there. So... I told her I'd call her at 6:30 and we'd get together. Mom came home with a movie for us 3 to watch. I told mom that I was going to Aprils and for her to call me when dad got home (it was a long meeting). I called April at 6:30 to see if she was up for company at 7:00. She said okay, so I headed up to her place.
We chatted a tiny bit about some stuff, and then saw that Cars was on. Whoot! Cars! We watched it together and laughed ("Mader. Like Tuh-Mader, but wi'out de Tuh!") until Craig got home (good timing Craig). Just then, mom called to say that dad would be home in a few minutes, so, I hopped in my car and went home.
Got back to mom and dad's place, talked with dad about his meeting, and then sat down with them both to watch Charlotte's Web as I went online (seeing a pattern here?). The movie was really good and touching. And, of course, mom cried. It's a common theme now when we watch movies as a family that mom'll cry at the movie. Hehe! After that, mom and dad went to bed, so I stayed online and chatted. Got to talk with April about some heated things, and she kinda slapped some sense into me about how I either didn't show, or was late to everything this weekend and how it made everyone feel. I felt instantly guilty and horrible, so I went around my MSN list and apologized to people that I felt I had might have treated badly. Explanations were given, apologies were accepted, etc. It was good to get some stuff off my chest and outta my mind and heart. After that, I went to bed (not to sleep, but to be more comfortable while I stayed online.)
I think I passed out around 5am... Then woke up at 10am for church. Took me a while to wake up (even though mom gave me a tea with a straw in the morning). Made it to church and had a great time. Dad was speaking of peace which was something that really spoke to me for what's been happening lately. After church, mom and dad went with some people from the church out for lunch. I was tired, and feeling kinda claustrophobic, so I stayed home and had left over Tacos for lunch. Mom and dad came home and had a nap. So... with nothing else to do, I went online! :) Mom and dad woke up in time to head out the door for a hymn sing thing. I stayed home, talked with April and Ben and some others. Got frustrated and started chatting with Megan. She told me that I should come back to the valley since she hadn't seen me in about a week or more. So, I waited around til 10:30 or so waiting for my parents to come back (they had been gone for 4 hours by then). Finally, mom called from Sanky and Diane's to say that they had been there. I told mom that I was going to Megans; she was fine with that. So, pack up my 4 bags of clothes and all my junk, and get in my car. I drive... and drive... and drive... "Hmm.. my car sounds louder than usual... Oh well"... and drive... and drive. When I got to Coldbrook, I called Megan to tell her I was close (it was near 1am by this time). She said that I could still come over, but that her and Martin were tired and lying in bed. Well, I didn't really feel like going to Megan's house while her and her boyfriend laid in bed tired. So, I got into Kentville, parked at the library and went online. Elizabeth was online! Yay! I chatted with her for a bit. "Why don't you just come down here Tanya?". Hmm... Good question! So, log off MSN, start my car("This sounds really loud. Maybe I should switch cars at Rockey's and get dad's car...") and started driving. Went to Rockey's to switch cars (1:30 by this time), but, dad's car was blocked in by a van. Crap! So... I guess me and my loud loud car are goin' to Dartmouth.
I pulled in at about 2:15 or so. Liz met me outside to let me in. We stayed up for about 2 hours, talking, giggling, and telling stories. Finally, I rolled over and passed out. I woke up at 8. Wide awake. "What?! 8am?! I only fell asleep 4 hours ago!" So, I got up, had a shower, and (you guessed it) went online. A friend that I had met through Liz, Joe, was online. He and I chatted for a bit before he suggest we meet up for coffee. So, I nudged Liz who was out cold to tell her I was going to meet up with Joe. She grunted. Back to my loud car. "Is it just me, or do I hear a rattling-ish noise?" I went across the bridge ("AHHHHHHGH!") and met up with Joe. We had coffee for about an hour before he had to go home because his girlfriend was coming home from work (she knew that us 2 were out together). So, I dropped him off at his place, apologized for the embarrassment of my loud car, and then went BACK to Liz's. Went online. Chatted. Liz woke up around noon. Wanted to go out to eat, but I was too embarrassed of my car. "Oh! I know! Lets call Donna! I'd love to see her and have lunch. That way, she can drive!" So, we get Donna to pick us up (as long as we paid for her chinese food). We had an AMAZING lunch together. April was jealous that she couldn't go (since, y'know, she lives 3 hours away), so we brought a pig ornament and took a buncha pics of "April" doing things. Donna has them posted on her blog.
Afterwards, Donna dropped us off and we went inside. I went online (I think I have an addiction) and Liz tried to go to bed. About a half hour later, she asked if I would take her to the clinic if they could squeeze her in. Well, turns out they could. So, we got dressed and headed out the door to my car. "Hey... Tanya... what's hanging from your car?" I look under my car. "Oh no!". My exhaust was lying on the ground. "No wonder my car was so loud!!"
So. Liz and I go inside. What to do? What to do? What to do? Normally I'd just call Rockey to come tow it or fix it. But.. I'm an hour away. Dad's even further and Liz had no friends that could fix it, even just a temp fix so I could get to Rockey's. Actually, that's a lie, she knew some people, but they were either working, sleeping, sick (sitting on the toilet for 45 mins), or had a broken leg. So... What to do? What to do? What to do? Well.... *sigh* Guess I'm doin' this myself. I get geared up (as in a sweater and sneakers) and went outside. I found a jack in my trunk, which was thrilling. We put it under the car, tried to jack it up. It was hard to do and I still just could not get under. I tried to shove myself under. Hummed, and thought, and growled for a bit. Elizabeth's trying to be my eyes, cuz I can't see, and I'm being her hands, cuz she can't reach. We just couldn't get it!! I got out from the car, cuz well, it wasn't fun. We stood there, thought, hummed, got angry (cuz we've both got the Reid rage (haha! Sounds like road rage. Hehe.)). So... we go over to the jack and look at it. "Y'know... Liz... the car doesn't look -that- high up in the air." So, we take the jack down, and the car lowered about 3 inches until it was as low as normal. "What?! I shoved myself under there when the jack had only lifted it 3 inches?!" Well... realizing quickly that we're not as smart as we think we are, we get frustrated again. Kicked a few things. Okay... Try again... "Hey Liz... look at this diagram on the jack. I think it goes -this- way." Yeah, it turned out we had the jack upside down. Once we got THAT figured out, we jacked up the car no problem! Whoot! Then we realized we had to figure out where to hook it so that it didn't fall out from underneath the car and squish me. Once we got that down pat we had to figure out how to support the car cause, well, its just a little VW jack. Solution: big big big big rocks:D Big enough that it took both of us to carry one of them. Once we got this done, we had to figure out how to hook up the muffler. Well...that was fun. Because I'm the smaller of the two of us, I got to be the star of it all... Hooray. (remember, I'm claustophobic.) I squeezed in under the car, lying on my back, with my nose practically touching the under-carriage of the car. Lol! "So... how do we do this?" Lengthways? Widthways? Hmm. I tinkered, and tickered, and hit my head, then ripped out what I had done, started again, hit my head again (I know have a tender place on my forehead). Well, I got frustrated trying different things. Got out from under the car and stood there looking it. I kicked a sitck... didn't do much to fix the car, but it felt good. :) Liz and I thoutht some more. "Well," Liz says, "What if we just tear the broke part off?" Back under the car I go. I tug, and pull, and push, and pull, and tug, and yank... not a chance would it come off. *sigh* What to do... what to do? By this time I'm getting REALLY angry that I couldn't get it. As mom and dad know, I'm a perfectionist so if I can't do it, just wait til I get frustrated and upset and I'll do it. Same as when I started to learn how to drive a standard in the Kingstec parking lot. So, I'm lying there, on my back, under the car with my legs hanging out, and guess what. It starts to rain. "Greaat." We fly into doing it double time. We call uncle Rockey from the cell. He can't help since he's not there. Called uncle Al. He's babysitting 5 kids and can't help. Called a few friends, no luck there either. So, back under the car Tanya goes, peeved off at this point. The gloves literally came off. Lol. I took a coat-hanger and wrapped it around a metal frame thing. "Hey! It's staying." Bend the coat hanger around, and wrap the other end around another frame thing. "Hey!! THAT'S staying!" I took the plyers, and pulled it tight. *shake shake shake* I shook the exhaust. It didn't fall on me. Whoo! So, I very happily came out from under the car and stood up. I had absolutely no feeling in my arms from holding the exhaust up at the weird angle. Liz told me I was a splitting image of Rockey. (Thanks Liz. *rolls eyes*) I told her I needed a tea.
So, we went inside, had a tea and called dad and Rockey to let them know. I got in my VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY loud car and headed home.

I pulled into Rockey's a little over an hour later to drop of my car and get dad's. Rockey wasn't home, but that's okay. I loaded my stuff from my car, into dads, sat down and started the car........... and started the car.............and STARTED THE CAR! "CAR!! START!!!!" You're kidding me, right? Dad's car hadn't been started in a few days, and now wouldn't start. So... it's raining cats and dogs, I have TWO cars that aren't working, and I'm so tired. *sigh* I went to Rockey's door and knocked, no answer. Went to the garage and knocked, no answer. So.. I stood in the rain, with my jacket on and called Liz and Sandy to tell them (since Sandy was expecting me there) and then called dad. Well, dad's not home. *sigh* "This is a joke, right?" I stood outside, trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Rockey pulled in. I told him that dad's car wouldn't start. He laughed at me. Lol! He got in dad's car, pumped the clutch and it started fine. By this time I was just done with the whole situation. I thanked Rockey, kissed him on the cheek, and then drove to Sandy's.

At Sandy's, we sat down and watched 'The Secret'. It's a kind of motivational/better-yourself movie, but so good. Talked about the laws of attraction. Not nessessarily between a man and a woman, but between yourself and the things you want around you. About if you're thinking negative all the time, then the universe feels that, and sends more negative things your way. If you think positive, the universe feels that, and sends positive things your way. It's definitely a movie I need to watch a few more times. It reminded me a lot of the FISH philosphy. 1) Be there. 2) Make their day. 3) Play. 4) Choose your attitude. Really amazing stuff when you think about it, believe it and make it your life.
Annyways, we watched that movie, then Sandy went to bed. I stayed up a bit on MSN but was just sooo tired that I just went to bed around 3am or so.
Woke up the next morning to Sandy telling me to wake up. She got me up and then we went to Tims. I didn't have change, or money for that matter, so I sat there while she drank her Ice Capp, while I was still asleep. Lol. She left from there to go to work, so I went to the library. I sat there, using their free internet for a while on MSN. Left there to go to work from 11:30 til 4:00. At 4:00, I went to Andy's house to meet mom and dad there. I was there early, so I was bumming around, and decided to check the mail. Government mail?! TAX RETURN! Whooot. Got the cheques and BOOGIED to the Royal Bank to deposit Andy's, and then to CIBC to deposit mine. Feels good to have 600 bucks in the account. :)
Drove back to the house, met mom and dad there. We packed up the truck with the stuff in the shed, gathered Scrat and Kitty and then headed over to the apartment for 6:45. Met Duane, the landlord there, and started moving stuff in. By 8 we had it all in and starting to unpack, until mom reminded me that I had to go back to work. Ugh. *sob* In my car I go, on the highway and off to work.

I worked til 1am last night and was sooooo dead tired. By the time I got home, I couldn't lay down. So.. I unpacked some dishes and glasses, unpacked my clothes from my car, put the clothes in the dresser, made my bed, unpacked bathroom stuff, had a bath, etc. It was a lot of fun. Scrat followed me around. I think he was lonely. He even 'helped' me make my bed. Lol! It was fun.

Woke up this morning to my alarm at 9:01. Hit the button, sat up, and then the plumber knocked at the door. He had come to fix the leak in the wall of the tub, so we made pretty good time. I brushed my teeth, got dressed, and then went on my way. Puttered around New Minas for bit, went online a bit, then went to work.
It's now 3:44, and I'm off in 1 minute.
This is enough of a post. I'll take y'all an hour to read it anyways.
Enjoy!!!
-T