Hey!!!! I'm not dead!!!

Ok. I've become HORRIBLE with updating this blog. It used to be pretty regular, but I've been working a lot, and such, so blogging has kinda gone to the back burner. Plus, no one really reads it anyways. So... what's the point?

Update: Working at Tommy Hilfiger in Dartmouth Crossings full time as their stock-girl. However, we stopped receiving boxes a while ago due to the Christmas season so I've been doing visual and sales, and cash, and all that jazz. Been there 3 months now.

Living in Dartmouth, still by myself. That is, unless you count crazy Roger, who's begun to stare at walls... *shrug*

Chris and I are still together. 10 months so far.

We had a pretty good Christmas. Lots of traveling and such. Spent Christmas eve and morning with mom and dad in Kentville, then came back to Dartmouth to spend Christmas night with Chris. We had a nice dinner with his parents, grandparents, aunt Marj, aunt Debbie, uncle Roger and cousin Robbie. (If I got the names wrong, don't shoot me). After dinner, we had a nice gift exchange. Chris and I had our own little Christmas downstairs. Got some cute stuff, some really nice stuff, and a "cheque" for half of next month's rent :) Whoot! Some other gift highlights from mom and dad: new winter jacket, new dresser for my over-abundance of clothes, work socks, a blender, some clothes, toilet cleaner brush (I needed one BAD), etc.

A few days after Christmas, one of Chris's cousins had gotten married so we went to the reception. Had a pretty good time. There were a LOT of people there, so I kinda hung around Chris's parents, and his brother and his girlfriend (Craig and Wendy). Lots of food, some nice pictures taken.

That's been life as of recently. Its currently New Years Eve and I'm at some friend's house (Sean and Tamara). Chris has to work tonight. I guess that's the price you pay for working at a semi high-end restaurant as a cook. Oh well, drinks and party games until he gets off work.

And yeah... that's about it.

Ciao!

-T

I know... its been a while

This has to be short, because I don't really have that much time.

But, I'm alive! Lol.

Last you heard from me I was in Kingston, as a nanny. Well, that job went WONKY. Kinda like the family went crazy. I wont really go into detail right now, maybe some other time. But, I'm now living in Dartmouth, have my own apartment with my kitty Roger, and an awesome boyfriend, Chris. Yes, the same one I mentioned in my last post.

I -had- a job at a security company as an operator/dispatched. LOVED IT. But... something went wonky and I was let go for 'missed time'... even though all I missed was 4 days. 2 of them when dad was in the hospital with his heart-attack (I'll write more on that in a later post), and 2 when I was sick (annnnd called in sick those days) and none of these days were close to when they fired me. I'm looking for answers, but they wont return my phone calls. Convienient? I think so.

So, anyways, I'm now on the job hunt again. But, everyone's welcome to come visit me and my Roger in our new apartment in Dartmouth just off Wyse Rd. Email me for address and my new cell phone number.

Ciao for now folks.
-T

Skiing hurts

Alright. So continued:

We go to the pub, and manage to find another friend, Chris Mummery, along the way. Becky, Mummery (as I'll refer to him as), Chris Landry, and I head in, and manage to find a table in the very packed place. There was a lice band, and people were really enjoying themselves. We ordered a few drinks, and a party platter, and got to talking. We chit-chatted about a lot of stuff - most of which I can't remember right now. Then, one of the band members walked by. Chris stopped him and asked if they could play 'La Mamba'. The gentleman said that they probably didn't know it, and that he was sorry. Chris said that was fine, and we continued to chit-chat and laugh and take pictures.
About 10 minutes later, the band finishes a song, and we hear 'Is Chris still out there? Chris? We're gonna play you're song!' Chris was over-joyed. He took his cowboy hat back (since I had stolen it and wore it most of the night) and headed up to the band to enjoy the song with his drink. I watched a few seconds, and then decided to go up and join him. We stood there, drinking our drinks, and semi dancing to the music, with our arms around each other... then we started to get into the music. We started dancing, and Chris set down his beer. The song was 'La Bamba' and 'Do The Twist' combination. We danced our hearts out, and then showed our appreciation for the amazing job the band did. I took Chris's hat back, and we went back to the table. We continue to eat and drink and chat when we hear "Chris?! You still out there? Come on up! You need a partner!" Chris looked at me, just as I stood up and we headed up front, hand in hand. It was a slow song. Which slow song, I can't remember. Chris and I slow danced and talked a bit. After that song, we went back to the table to finish up. By this time it was getting mighty late, and I felt horrible since Claire was waiting for me. I urged the crew to hurry up, they finished their drinks, and we headed off. Chris and I got gas, and then hopped on the highway.

On the drive, kinda around Mount Uniacke, Chris started talking about how he'd been doing some thinking, and sole searching, and that he needs to find a mommy for his new kitty, Roslyn. He then told me that I had a lot of qualities that he liked, that I made him happy and content, and asked if I would like to start a relationship with him. I smiled, and said of course I would. We sat there, driving down the 101, holding hands, and being all cute for a good 5 minutes, before I started to laugh... pretty hard. He kinda looked at me, wondering what was up. "Do you realize that if, and I'm going to say if, because that's how life is, if this continues to be a long-term thing, we'll only have an anniversary every 4 years?" (Being a leap year). He too laughed, kissed my hand, and we got back to cranking the music and driving.

I dropped him off at his place in Dartmouth, and told him I'd see him in the morning, and headed off to Claire's in Cole Harbour. By this time, it's about 1:30. I parked, texting Claire along the way to tell her where I was so she could meet me at the door. I got to the door... Claire's not there. I texted her telling her I was at the door... no Claire... I texted her telling her I was cold... Then one that said "Hello"... and then another that said "Claire"
'Great', I thought to myself, 'She's asleep'. So... I drove up to a gas station to use the payphone. I called and woke her up then went BACK to her house. We stayed up for probably 1.5 hours chit-chatting before finally falling asleep around 3:30. She told me she wanted to do McDonalds in the morning, so she'd set her alarm for 6am so we'd have time, since I was due to pick up Chris at 8.
...
9:45 I wake up. PANIC! I went downstairs, got dressed in my many layers, washed up, then went in the rec room to put my many socks on and text Chris to tell him I was on my way. I then heard THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD. The sound of Claire running down the stairs. She comes up to me "I'M SO SORRY!" I laughed and said it was ok. I hugged her, grabbed my stuff, and then headed back to Dartmouth to pick up the man.

I picked him up, said good morning to his mom and dad, and then headed to Wendy's to grab a small brunch, then to Windsor - Martock. We park. I get nervous. We get ourselves ready - I get more nervous. We go inside to get our passes and skis and whatnot - I get more and more nervous. We head outside, and I realize just how un-comfortable ski boots are. We go down the bunny hill a bit (probably about an hour) and I'm starting to get the hang of it, but in no condition to go down the big hill. Yet, Chris, who's almost an expert skier, was kinda itching to go. I told him to go ahead and actually ski, and I'll stay here and practice. He agreed, kissed me, and then took off for the chair-lift. I went down the bunny hill a few times, helped a little girl up who had fallen, watched some skiers, went down a bunch more times, watched skiers, stood by a tree, took my skis off, sat under the tree. Finally Chris showed up, very apologetic. It had been about 45 minutes that he was gone. I said it was alright, that I had just sat down. He then proceeded to tell me that when he was heading up the ski lift, he saw some kid lose control on a snowboard and smash into a tree. Chris went down the hill for him as fast as he could after he got off the lift, and screamed for ski patrol. He went into the trees to reach the boy, talked to him. Found out his name was Brandon, and that he was 12 years old. Chris asked Brandon what hurt, and he said his lip and his leg. He was screaming about his leg, and his lip was split. Chris assumed his leg was broken. He said with Brandon until ski patrol came so he could pass on info. Chris was so excited about it all that he was radiating it all. I told him it was fine, and that I'd go down the bunny hill a few more times then we'd go up.

Well... that 'few times' seemed to go by too fast. Faster than I could imagine, I was in line for the ski lift, and my heart was racing. We get on, and I start kinda freaking out. The ski lift is high, and I know its not the worst of it all. We get to the top, and... well... you can only go down. So... down we go. I fell a lot. Not from losing my balance or anything though, but just because I'd get going so fast that I couldn't slow down or stop, and was scared I was losing control, and would make myself fall so I would stop. Chris was VERY VERY patient and helped me, taught me, and helped me up when I fell. After a bit I started to have fun. Around 4:30 we went in for some food. I wasn't hungry, so I just got an orange juice, and stole a few of Chris's fries. We then went back to the hill. After a little bit, I start to get tired, and was falling more, and didn't have the energy to get up anymore. Around 7 I told Chris that it was my last run (as we had been there for 7 hours), but that he could go once more. He thanked me, kissed me, and did his last run.

When he was done, went inside, got out of our ski-stuff, and into the car. I guess I should've mentioned that it had been snowing since about 2pm. 5.5 hours now. There was quite a bit of snow on the ground. Chris asked me if I was ok for driving. I told him yes, and we got on the road. Chris and I had plans to go out with his best friend, Sean, for karaoke afterwards. Chris called Sean and told him that we were just leaving Windsor, and that we might not make it for karaoke. Sean said "If the weather doesn't clear up, I'M not going, and I live right across the road from the place!" We laughed, and wished him a good night.

The drive was quite long and boring. Took us 1.5 hours to get from Windsor to Dartmouth. We arrived at 9. Chit-chatted with his mom for a short moment before they went to the store. Chris and I ordered a pizza and went downstairs to eat pizza and watch a movie. His parents got home, and came downstairs to ask us about skiing and score some pizza. We chatted with them, then when they went upstairs, we finished our movie. We talked a lot, and before we knew it, it was 1:30am. Chris had to work at 10:00am! He kissed me good night, and let me sleep downstairs where it was warm, and he went upstairs to the top level to sleep. He sent me a few texts before we both passed out.

9:30am I'm awaken by Chris poking my stomach. I smiled, and made room for him on the couch. We talked a bit while he re-built the fire. I then noticed the time, and asked about work. He said he called in and said he'd be late, and that they actually need him to pick something up, so we were good. We woke up, packed up my stuff, said Goodbye to Chris's mom and dad, and then headed off. We went to the Petro-Can on Wyse Rd to get gas, Wendy's on Wyse Rd to get the cheese that Chris's work needed, and then headed to Chris's work. I dropped him off, he kissed me goodbye, and I was on my way.

I stopped in Windsor for about an hour and visited with Becky while she asked about Chris and I, and talked about church and what-not. Then I got back on the highway to New Minas. Stopped quickly in New Minas to give Kate back her ski pants, then got back on the highway to Aylesford. I picked up Tylor, talked with him a little bit, then dropped him off at his grammie's. I then came home.

That was my weekend. Yesterday I hurt SO bad from skiing that I could hardly move, and couldn't sleep. It even hurt to laugh. But, its a good hurt. Just from working the muscles and whatnot.

How was your weekend? :)
-T

To blog, or not to blog... That is the question

I had fully intended on doing a blog update today of my weekend. I'm gonna try, but I'm mega tired. We shall see how far we get.

Alright. Friday I worked, as normal, but with both kids since Brent had an in-service due to parent-teacher. The day was normal, with Mike out of house not at work, but at meetings and such. At 2:00 he came and picked up Sydney to head into Kentville for a dermatologist appointment she had for a rash that wont go away. I had kept Brent, and got ready. Around 3:15, Brent and I hopped in my car, and got on the road to meet Mike and Sydney in Coldbrook so I could pass Brent off, and head off for me to do my own thing. We did the transfer at Coldbrook Tims, I got my pay, and then we parted ways. I went into downtown Kentville to pay something off, then to Access Nova Scotia to get a replacement license since I couldn't find mine. Got my license re-done (after an extra $36 dollar charge I wasn't expecting, and a 25 minute wait). From there, I went to Tim's to get a tea, and then to Wolfville to see Kate and get some ski pants from her.
Waited for Kate for about 20 minutes, then she finally brought them out to me. I got on the highway, and traveled to Windsor subway to get a salad for supper, then to Becky's to eat and meet up with the crew. I ate my salad (so yummy), listened to Seasons of Love a dozen times, and put my make-up on while Becky's friend Amanda showed up, and my friend Chris showed up. We all headed over to the Windsor Community Center, and got settled in our seats for the 2008 Winkie Awards. The awards went awesomely. I sang in 4 sets, and they all went perfectly. Also, Chris won a door prize, which was wicked. A 6 month subscription to the Hants Journal... a perfect gift for someone who lives in Dartmouth. LOL!

That's pretty much the end of the Winkies, after that, we went to the pub.
And I'm tired. So I'll post this, and finish up the weekend tomorrow.

G'nite.

Update - Its been a while

Hey fellow cyber people.
Its been a while since I've updated, but things have been so crazy and up in the air that I haven't really had much time to update, or much to really say... aside from the prayer request I had posted earlier.

This weekend is coming up fast, and I'm sooooo excited. I work tomorrow until an unknown time. Mike has to attend parent-teacher interviews tomorrow for Brent at 1:30, and then has a dermatologist appointment in Kentville for Sydney at 3. I don't know if he'll take Brent or not. I kinda hope he does so that it gives a little extra time to do what I need to do. Anywho, when I'm 'off', I have to go into Kentville to Access NS to pay something, and then get a replacement license since I can't seem to find mine. Once that's complete, I'm stopping somewheres to grab a bite to eat and then heading into Windsor. I'm due there at 6:30 for the Winkie Awards to start at 7. The night should be amazing. Lots of entertainment, as well as awards given out. I doubt I'll be getting one, which is fine, but its going to be a great time anyways. I'll be on stage for 3 songs. Two from King Island Christmas (The Oomiak song where the ladies sing the chorus, and then On The Mountain Top in which I have a solo), and then Joe, Travis and I are singing 'Seasons of Love' from the Rent soundtrack. I'm nervous about singing it because I haven't quite got it right yet. I know the song like the back of my hand, but when its just you and two guys, along with a piano, its a different feeling than singing along with the CD while you drive down the highway. And since there'll be a HUGE audience there listening, I'll be MORE nervous. I'll SEE if I can snag Kim (the pianist) and go through the harmony parts a few times before-hand. I hope I can. If not, oh well. It wont sound bad. I'LL just know that I sang it wrong. I invited Becky to come to the Winkies to have a good time, as well as Chris. I'm rather excited, but because of the late invite to Chris, I have to give him my ticket. Not a big deal... Just means that I don't get the turkey dinner. Hence why I'm grabbing a bite on the way.

When the Winkies are over, Chris and I are driving Becky into Kentville so she can house/dog sit for her sister. Then swinging into New Minas so I can grab some ski pants from Kate, and then heading BACK to Windsor/Dartmouth... just depends on if he gets dropped off in Windsor, or drove in himself. I'll spend a LITTLE time with Chris, and then head into Cole Harbour to visit my Claire. I'll be spending the night with my Claire-Bear (which will mean giggling and talking all night and not going to bed 'til late) and then getting up early Saturday morning. Well, not as early as I get up for work, but close enough. I'll wake at 7, get some brekkie, say bye to Claire-Bear, then head off to be at Chris's in Dartmouth at 8am. We'll jump in HIS car and head BACK to Windsor. Jump outta the car, get alllllllllll bundled up then head to the mountains - to ski. I'm SO scared lol. I've gone skiing once before, in grade 2, and spent the entire day on the bunny hill. Chris told me he's patient and can teach me. I hope he can. It should be great.

Chris wants to ski from 9am - 7pm or so, and will be purchasing me some din-din while we ski. When we're done, and thawed, we'll head back to Dartmouth, change our clothes, then meet up with his best friend at some local unknown (to me) pub for some karaoke. After that, plans aren't made. I'll go to church somewheres... Either Dartmouth, Windsor, or Kentville, just depending on how the night goes.

Phew... My weekend is PACKED, but I'm soooo stoked. It'll be the time leading up to being 'off' that'll drag on. Brent's home from school tomorrow because of parent-teacher and I might end up taking them to Roo's... I dunno that yet. Actually... I probably will.

General life is alright. Still feeling isolated and only really seeing Tylor, and Matt sometimes. I'm really appreciating the more 'mature' sides of the friendship I have with Tylor. Coincidentally, Tylor has two kids almost the same ages as Brent and Sydney. Tylor and I went for coffee last night so I could talk about what's been going on in this house. He has the experience of having kids the same age - also has the experience of living in a broken home at the same as that Brent is. We talked for a good 2 hours about everything and he gave me some really great advice. Told me that I was doing a good job and praised me for keeping my cool being stuck in amongst everything that's going on. Gave me a good boost after the crappy day I had yesterday.

Yesterday mom and dad were in town for a meeting that dad had with the ministerial board (which went great - YAY DAD!). They met me in Kingston Timmies for coffee (for mom) and tea (for dad and I) and we got to catch up. Come to think about it, then didn't do much talking LOL. I guess I was the one with stuff on my mind. We chatted (I mean, I chatted) for a good half hour, and then they had to take off for the drive home. They were able to give me good parenting advise and keep my spirits up during it all.

Sydney's been to more doctor appointments in the past month than you can shake a fist at. Reminds me of when I was a kid and was going to the doctor all the time for stuff. Sydney has eczema which has placed a rosy red patch on her cheek, but lately, she's been having a lot more problems with her skin. It started off with small pimple like (almost bug bit looking marks) on her body (mostly her belly), but then they started to spread more, and then went to her feet. She's seen her family dr, and it's not chicken pox, or measels, or scabies, or anything like that. Today she went and saw Dr. Charlie Brown about it all. He was concerned and booked an appointment for tomorrow (which, only someone as well respected as Charlie Brown can do) with a dermatologist. She also went Sunday night to Soldier's Memorial Hospital to have her hand checked out...

Um.
I can't really think of much else that's been happening. I think I'll start making a list of things I have to pack for this weekend.

Ciao for now. :)

-T

Sydney, the cutest little girl.

Sydney showing off her reading skills, while sitting in her Dora chair, and watching Wiggles on TV.

Eating cheezies. This is the best pic I have to show the spot on her cheek.

Brent (8), and Sydney (16 months).

Prayer Request

It's been quite a long time since my last post. For the most part, things are still the same. Still doing the nanny thing, and whatnot. Doing some stuff for the theatre company, which is exciting.

I'm making this short because I'm exhausted, but we need prayers here at the house. This past weekend was quite horrible, and the Pattens (and I) need prayers for peace of mind, clarity, guidance, forgiveness, understanding, love, and all that other stuff. More than that, I can't really say anything, but I just pray that things soon come down from being completely up in the air.
Thanks everyone.

Another angel in heaven

RIP KARISSA BOUDREAU.

12 years old is too young to be murdered.

Justice must be served.

I pray that he/she who is responsible will come forward and be given adequate punishment.

Rest in peace.

Uhhh, yeah... I swear the clock is wrong on this... I -swear- its nap time right now, not night-time. lol. *sigh* Ok ok ok. I didn't get to post during nap time, but I had a good excuse!

Today was very much chore day. Woke up bright and early at 6:22am (I know! Yay me!) and have been pretty much going ever since I woke up. Had breakfast with Brent, made Sydney's breakfast, fed Sydney her breakfast, entertained Sydney for a little over an hour. Pam then took Sydney to Roos while I did laundry and vacuumed. They came back, we had lunch. Then Sydney and I went downstairs while I kept doing laundry and watched Wiggles with Sydney. Pam went out at 1:30 so at 1:50, I rocked Sydney to sleep and had an hour to myself. And by that I mean I cleaned the kitchen, did two loads of laundry and went out for a smoke. Brent then came home from school, and a little after, Sydney woke up. Pam then came home, and we calmed down a very sooky Sydney and I went upstairs for homework time. After homework we went downstairs waiting for supper. At 5:30 we had supper, then cleaned up Sydney from her fun with ketchup and chocolate cake (not together of course). Then after that, mom and dad came over (YAY!) to get me to fill out a form for GST, and then they asked me to come with them to New Minas to drop dad's car off at Rockey's. We were there maybe 20 minutes at the most and then drove back.

It was nice for mom and dad to meet the Pattens. They got to meet the entire family - even the fish! It was also nice to see a familiar face pull into the driveway.

I'm sooooooo exhausted. Been up for 15 hours now and spent the day running around. I got to sit down for about 5 minutes total today without having to do anything. ANNNNND, I even went on the treadmill for 20 minutes while Pam and Sydney were at Roos and my vacuuming was done.

Anyways, I'm going to B-E-D. Tomorrow's supposed to be a storm day. I pray that school isn't cancelled. That's too much for me in the mornings. Lol. Stormy day tomorrow, and then its supposed to be +10 Thursday. Pam goes into Halifax for about 5 days on Thursday so its my first ACTUAL day working. Then I'm off to Kentville to do sound and lighting for a QAAW production.

No rest for the wicked! lol

Be good... Or be good at it ;)
-T

So... Who ordered this snow?!

Alright. Very funny... You can take the snow back now. Lol. I suppose its alright, but seriously! It was sooooo random and not expected. I stepped outside this morning, and was utterly confused by the fact that the snow was sheering off a good few inches from the top of the snow. Once my eyes adjusted, it was beautiful... still kinda un-welcome though. Big snows like this really do throw your plans for the day out of whack. My day was -going- to be very busy... but because of the weather, it ended up just being one thing to do, rather than 3. Mind you, I'm not -really- complaining, but still... Would have been nice to see dad and the QAAW people tonight. I still get to see mom and dad tomorrow, and then the QAAW people on Thursday, but still. I hate plans being screwed with. Especially by the weather.

I apologize for this post being late (since I usually post during nap time), but with the weather, Brent was home from school. We were quite busy keeping both kids entertained. Sydney had a semi hard day. I don't really know why she was in such a grouchy mood, but nap time was NOT fun for either Pam or I. I got scratched in the eye, and a bottle thrown at my face trying to put her down for a nap. At that point, Pam took over and I helped Brent with his homework... a little less full-contact. Lol.

In the afternoon I took the trek to Wolfville for a doctors appointment. Wait... let me rephrase that. A doctor's 2 minutes so he could poke my hip with a long needle... I'm still in pain. Oh well. No, nothing serious or anything. No need to worry.

I dunno what else really to talk about. Today was very boring. However, it was kinda fun to watch the army (teehee) of men with snowblowers attack every driveway on the road here. Took them about 2 hours, but it was only like... 5 minutes per driveway. That's a community at work for ya.

Alrightly. Well, my curfew is almost here (yes, I've made myself a curfew). Off the computer at 10. That means I've got 10 minutes left to finish up some stuff. I'll update tomorrow during nap time.

Until then, have fun playing in the snow :)
-T

Karissa Boudreau

This girl has been on my mind for 2 weeks now non-stop. This little 12 year old girl went missing January 27th from the Sobeys parking lot in Bridgewater. Her mother went into the store for 15 minutes, and when she came back, Karissa was gone.

This story breaks my heart, and my imagination tends to run away with me really bad with this. Not a day goes by without me checking online newspapers, and the facebook group to see if anything's been found.

I have my ideas of what's happened. Many people seem to too. Some think someone took her. Some think that she left (angry at her mom because they had just had a fight) and someone took her. Some think she tried to cross the LaHave river to get to her house, which was just on the other side of the river.

Yesterday, I think everyone's hearts stopped beating for a while when we heard the news that a body of a young, Caucasian girl had been found on the bank of the LaHave river by a passer-by-er. The police have yet to say if the body is that of Karissa's or not, and we wont really know until Wednesday. The body was too far up the bank to have been washed up, and I've been told other things (that haven't been confirmed) that also make me, and others, believe/know that she hadn't been just washed up on shore - that she had been dumped there.

I pray that it's not Karissa Boudreau's body that's been discovered, but in a sense, it at least offers some closure to the family. I know everyone who knows about the case hopes that Karissa shows up safe and sound really soon, but something deep inside me tells me that wont happen.

I'm not saying that I know anything, because I dont. I'm just saying what my guy seems to be telling me.

My weekend went by pretty good. Nothing really interesting happened. It was mainly spent here at the Patten house.

Well, its getting late (yes, 9:45 is now 'late' for me) so I'm going to do a little reading, and then go to bed.

I'll update tomorrow afternoon. :)

Peace!
-T

Early nap time

Well, at least it's an early nap for Sydney, I wish it were for me. I'm some glad its Friday. This week went by really fast, but it seems that my sleep has gotten the worst of it. I haven't had really late nights, but my body just doesn't like 6:30am, no matter what time I go to bed.

Sydney and I went for a walk today to pass some time. We left the house at 11:00 and got back at 11:35. Did a little loop of the many roads around here. When we were approaching the house, I looked in the stroller, and she was passed out. Kinda sucks, because when we got back, we were to have lunch, then play. Sydney doesn't go down for a nap until 1:30/2:00. She's 2 hours early! Lol. So, luckily she's still asleep and I -am- getting my down time because Brent is still at school. I just secretly wish that she would stay asleep until 4:30. Haha. Doubtful. Don't get me wrong, I love the child, but my eyes just want to cloooossssssee... Ahhh well. Brent has a friend coming over after school today. That should be interesting. Luckily mom's still here so I'm not left alone with two school aged boys to tear up the house. Haha.

Life otherwise is going alright. Pretty boring. I have no real life aside from work. I have just a very few select friends that I visit. I'm mostly here, at the Patten house being with, and a part of, the family.

My smoking has cut wayyyy down, which is exciting. I've gone from smoking a pack a day, to a pack lasting me about 4 days or so. I'm quite proud of me.

Um.... I'm doing 3 things this month with QAAW, which is kinda exciting. I'm doing a tech rehearsal on the 11th for The Replacement, then on the 14th is the show, then on the 29th is the Winkies which I'm singing in twice: a song from KIC 'On The Mountain Top' with a few other girls, and then 'Seasons of Love' from the Rent soundtrack with Joe Gnemmi.

So yeah... other than that, nothing's really going on. Planes keep flying overhead, which is the norm living here.

Sydney just woke up, so my down time is over. I'll probably post again on Monday... if anyone really is reading these.

February already?

Wow.
Time flies by soooo incredibly fast lately. It's now February and 3 weeks into my new job. I'm loving it. Brent, the 8 year old boy, is currently at school (well, on the bus home right now, actually), and Sydney, the 16 month old girl, is napping. Things are going very well here. Still finding it a little hard to find the balance between what my job is, and stepping on mom's toes, but things are starting to get better. She goes back to work on the 15th, so my actual -real- job will start. My day goes as follows:
6:30 - My alarms start going off. Yes, plural. 3 alarms on my phone, 1 radio alarm, and 1 alarm on my computer. Takes about 15 mins for me to wake up and be conscious. I go outside for a smoke, and then head upstairs to eat breakfast with Brent, then go downstairs to watch cartoons with Brent.
7:47 - Yes, that precise, Brent and I head out the door to walk him to the bus stop. His bus comes at 7:55. Once mom goes back to work, I probably wont be doing this since Sydney still needs someone home, unless she gets up early and I bring her with me.
8:00 - Get back from the bus stop, head upstairs and have a tea until Sydney and mom wake up. Chill with them while they get their breakfast, then head downstairs to watch Wiggles.
From this time until noon really is varied. Sometimes we just play and watch Wiggles, sometimes we go for a walk, sometimes we go to Roos. Today we went to Roos.
12:00(ish) - Lunch. Dad comes home from lunch and eats with us. We've got a schedule on the fridge as to what the meals should be. That helps a lot.
After lunch we play and watch more Wiggles while she gets tired.
1:30 (or so) - A bottle gets warmed up and Sydney and I get into the rocking chair with her bottle and her blankie and watch CMT until she falls asleep. Normally around 15 minutes. Once she's asleep I take her upstairs into her room and then come back down to the rec room and go online and such. Once mom leaves, this will be changed to my work out time. There's a treadmill in the rec room that I have at my disposal.
3:00 - Brent gets home from school. We head upstairs for a quick snack, and then go downstairs to do homework. Usually not much, but he always has a french book to read, and something for English.
Once Brent's homework is done, he's allowed to watch what he likes, or go into the play room to play on the PS2.
3:30 (ish) - Sydney wakes up. I go upstairs to get her and bring her downstairs to wake up and watch Wiggles.
4:00-4:30 - Dad gets home and greets the kids, and I'm officially off the clock.
The rest of the day is spent with the family. Eat supper with them from 5:30 to 6:30. I go to bed anywheres from 9:00-11:00

Still getting hard to get used to living in someone's home, thrusting myself into their lives, and taking control of the reins with their children. Also hard to get used to Kingston. I've never lived here, and have no friends here. The friends who live closest are both Tylor and Matt in Aylesford which isn't far away, which is nice.
My weekends are free to me to do what I want. Sometimes I go away, sometimes I stay local, all depending.


Well, the school bus just drove by so Brent will be home very soon. I'll end this post now, but please, bring on the comments. I should be updating pretty regularly now.

Hope everyone's doing well.
-T

2008, I welcome thee

It seems that the urge to write always comes at the wee hours of the morning. Perhaps I should start going to bed quite early, and try to start my days at this hour, when my mind seems to be at its most awake point of the day. Or perhaps its just that this is the time when there's so little going on that if you're not sleeping, the only thing left to do is get lost in your own head.

I seem to be doing that a lot in the past little bit, getting lost in my head. Not that I'm oblivious to what's going on around me, but maybe this is what your brain does when you dream. You sort out the thoughts that seem to over-whelm your head. Since I'm not asleep, my thoughts over run me at this hour.

I spent the past week reflecting on the past year, and its funny, I have no memories of March. I know that's an odd realization, but its true.

January I started my job at Online Support and met some really remarkable people. Katie for one whom I've stayed friends with. I remember at first wondering if she was pregnant, or just eating all the time in class for no reason. lol. I enjoyed the training even though I was so sick at some points. Not able to even speak due to my body seeming to want to die. I had a lung infection, asthma, bronchitis, and two ear infections. All along, I was thinking I was pregnant. Truly I think I was. Whether it was my being so sick that caused me to mis-carry, or it was a mis-carriage that caused me to be so sick, I dunno. But I do know for one, I'm surprised I was able to focus on the training since I was so sick, and had thoughts plowing through my head. After working there for a month, I got my first pay cheque, and I was thrilled. Went to my parents house for the weekend, like normal, and from that weekend stemmed one of the biggest fights I had with Andy. He managed to spend my entire first pay cheque, and he couldn't come up with receipts for what he had bought. Conclusion: pot. That's my memories from January.

February I continued to work at Online Support. Finished training, and completed ICU. I have a lot of memories from then, but nothing worth keeping my time or yours. I just recently remembered my Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is big for me. So many people hate the day, but if I have someone, I truly love the day. I'm a hopeful romantic and love the lovey things. Anyways, the day was spent with Andy upstairs in the attic where he seemed to be spending all his time. I should have been more curious. I spent the day waiting for him to supply those lovey things I crave on any normal day, but even more so on Valentine's Day. It came to be around 8pm and he hadn't even came downstairs to spend time with me, so, I went out with Brian Meisner, aka Moses for a drive and such. He was lonely, as was I, so we spent the evening together. The next day, I went to Foodland and bought Andy a goodie bag of treats for Valentine's Day. He was thankful, but I still never got anything from him for Valentine's.

March, as I've said before, doesn't seem to throw memories my way. Why? I'm not exactly sure. I worked. Andy and I's relationship dwinded more and more. I continued to go to my parents for weekends to go to church and be with them, and he continued to accuse me of being judgemental of his religion. Or, just my religion. As I typed this, one memory of March did come to mind. The Winkie Awards. Most people don't know what those are, but it was something for the theatre. Andy, Jeff, Andrew and I did improv, which was beyond fun. We performed the game 'props' and Andy and I were a team. Our prop was two rubbermaid tote tops. He finished the 'props' off by putting the two tops together and pretending it was a suitcase, and he was leaving me. This was March 9th. How interesting that just a month later, this would be the case. Its semi eerie to me actually about how coincidental it was.

April. *sigh* April is when my life as I knew it seemed to fall apart from around me. My dad was having pre-Easter services at his churches the week before easter, and had asked me to sing at one on the 3rd. I had to work that day, but got someone to cover my second split of my shift. I left directly from work and drove to NT for the service, then basically came straight back. I arrived in Kentville around 11 or so. I stopped at Tims to get Andy a coffee and then went to drop it off for him. He wasn't home. I then went to the library to go online to find him. Turns out he was at his friend Deana's house. I told him I had a coffee, and went to drop it off to him. He reluctantly let me into her apartment to get the coffee. When I asked him if he was ready to go, he then proceeded to tell me that he wasn't coming home. I was in shock. The 4th was his birthday, and for some reason, he wasn't coming home for his birthday. I left being confused, in shock, hurt, angry, and just... speechless. I went home, went to bed, cried, and eventually fell asleep. The next day, Andy's birthday, I worked, then came home, and he was there. I walked in, sat on the bed, and went on my laptop. "Is this how it's going to be? All weird and stuff?" Andy asked me. "I don't know Andy. I'm confused, I'm hurt, I'm angry. I just don't know." He proceeded to tell me something that I never really understood at the time, but seems to fall into place now. He told me something about spending the day with Deana and Eve. He was behind the mall, and this rock fell. I can't fully remember what he told me, but I know that to him it meant 'Don't be petrified/scared/terrified

, etc.' It makes sense now. The next day we celebrated his birthday with his birth mom.

Skip ahead a week. I worked the Saturday before easter. Brought Andy a coffee between shifts, gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and that I would see him after Easter since he told me to go to my parents so I could celebrate Easter. It semi turns my stomach wondering exactly why he wanted me away for the weekend. I spent the weekend there and came back Easter weekend, and Andy wasn't home. I figured he once again was at Deana's. It was getting to be too much that he would go to friends houses (either Deana or Eve's) and I would have to come bring him home. I didn't feel like chasing him like a lost puppy, so I just went to bed. I woke up to no Andy. Went to work. Came home. No Andy. Went to bed. Woke up to no Andy. Yada yada yada. This continued for a few days until I couldn't stand being in the house alone. My stomach was in knots. I had no clue what was happening to my marriage, and it scared me and bothered me so much. I started sleeping at Megan's. I wasn't eating, I was working my ass off to keep my mind off things, and spent my nights thinking many things and crying myself to sleep. My husband was at another woman's house, and not contacting me, not coming home. After about a week, my parents took a special trip to the valley for me. We went for supper and discussed where my marriage was. I was upset, and so were my parents. We semi-decided together that if he hadn't already ended it, that I would. The decision made me want to crawl into a hole. I felt like a failure, and had no answers.
I started looking for apartments and wanted out as soon as I could. I couldn't face anymore emotional drama. After 12 days of not hearing from Andy, I was at Megan's, and he comes online. My stomach lept into my throat as he wrote me asking where I was, that he was worried, that I hadn't called or wrote or emailed or anything. He told me that we needed to talk. I agreed and let him go first. He told me that we had drifted apart into two people who just weren't compatible anymore. That he still loved me, but the way that he loved me was different. That we'd be much better off being best friends. I agreed, and was SO relieved because it meant I didn't have to break up with him. We discussed specifics and agreed on it all. It was over, and I was content. I was the happiest I had been since it all had started. I had a celebratory smoke and called my parents to tell them the good news.
My happiness was short-lived however.
Two days afterwards, I was online before work, and an acquaintance of mine through the game that Andy and I play, wrote me asking what was up with Andy and I. I was confused because no one in the game knew about Andy and I splitting. I asked what they meant and they proceeded to tell me that there was a new character on saying that the person behind Andy's character was her mommy's new boyfriend. I was in shock. I was speechless. I knew right away who we were speaking of. It was Deana who has a 14 year old daughter Atira. I had no time to deal, I had to be at work.
The next few days are quite a blur of shock and questions. Had Andy been cheating on me all this time with Deana? How long had they been dating? Had he left me for her? What had I done wrong to make him leave me? Is this all a dream - a very bad dream? I was angry and upset. Upset about being lied to, and angry at Deana. So.Very.Angry. I dealt with it on my own and continued to talk to Andy the way we had said we would. I found an apartment and started on my new life.

May has a few key memories. A many which are not pleasant. At all. I moved into my new apartment and was thrilled to start my new life. Myself, Scrat and Kitty were so happy in our little apartment in Port Williams. Scrat wasn't used to being an indoor cat, so after a few days, I began to let him out for little bits at a time, always telling him to come home, and he did. On May 4th, I went to Windsor for pool, and on the way home, Scrat was found in the middle of the road, dead. I was crushed. Scrat had been my rock through everything. He and I had such an amazing connection and he was my best friend. I was heart-broken. He was buried behind my apartment building, and I cried myself to sleep that night, cuddled to Kitty. I couldn't believe that another bad thing had happened to me. I started to breathe again in life, and kept living the way I was. The weekend of the 13th was my dad's graduation and commissioning from Acadia. I was so proud of my dad. He had been through a lot in life, and still had the guts to pursue a new career in his 40s. That weekend, I had attempted to make a new friend, and it backfired on me. As happy of a weekend it was because of dad's good news, it was a very bad weekend for me, and in one weekend went through terror, panic, fear, shock, denial, acceptance, and realization. By Sunday night, I started to cry while at Liz's house in Dartmouth, and didn't stop. I cried all night long. In the morning, I was due to work, but was still crying. I asked Claire to come with me to work so I could explain why I needed a few days off. I'm glad she did. I explained to one person what had happened, and they allowed me to have some time off until my doctor told me to come back. Little did anyone know that I was having the longest panic attack of my life and that I wouldn't return to work for Online Support. The rest of May is a blur of panic attacks. The littlest things would set me off and I began to be very scared. Scared of myself. Scared because I was losing control. My entire world had fallen apart around me, and now, I can't even control myself or my emotions.
My panic attacks were not pleasant in the slightest. I only have a few memories of some of them. They were filled with bawling, hyper-ventilation, my body completely tensing up, and things of the sort. I ended up having to cut my nails because I was cutting my palms apart during attacks. I lost control of my mind during them. Something the doctors called dissociation. Where your brain can no longer handle what's happening, and stores thoughts and memories in different areas of your brain. To me, these resulted in out of body experiences. I watched myself do somethings I never would have imagined. I put my friends through a lot during them, and I thank them for being there.

June. My doctor continued to put me off work for a week at a time. I wasn't getting an income, but I wasn't off for a long time, so I couldn't apply for medical EI. I ended up getting evicted from my apartment because I couldn't pay June's rent, and I had to move in with my parents. This was such a hard switch for me. I continued to have panic attacks and didn't handle the change well. Early June, before moving, I met Tylor, who, I didn't know at the time, became a saving grace. June was spent being in New Tusket and Kentville, off and on. My mind was still numb to what was happening, but I was semi enjoying myself, keeping my mind off of the horrible things that had happened to me in the past 1.5 months.

July was actually where most of my growth started. I remember being scared of July 1st. It would have been my one year anniversary. I had told Larry that I wanted to go to Kingsport Beach that day to reflect. We brought along Tylor and two other friends. I sat in the sand, in the circle of rocks that were still there from the wedding exactly a year ago. I looked out into the ocean and reflected. I tried to not cry as Tylor approached me. He told me that he knew this was hard, but that he'd try to help, and then told me to come over and start having some fun. Looking back, that was probably my turning point, and him helping me out of the sand is quite the symbol of it all. July was spent mostly with Tylor, dealing with my issues. Tylor and I became close, and his friendship is one I'll value for a long time.

August holds a few memories, but nothing worth mentioning here. My friendship with Tylor grew more, and I began to view life with a smile. I still had hard times, and still cried, and still had my anger to deal with. I was seeing a therapist every 3 weeks, but just couldn't connect with her. My friends seemed to do a better job of it all than she did. So, I stopped seeing her. She assumed I was 'fine' anyways.

September really doesn't seem like that far away. Claire came down to my parents house for my birthday. We had a little party, and I then spent my birthday night in Kentville. Other than that, September was pretty uneventful I guess. Nothing else is really popping up in my mind.

October I started a new job. I was needing a job bad, and wanting to spend time with Tylor so he got me a job with him cleaning. I had a lot of fun for the month doing some manual labour. Its a shame it got all screwed around, because I really enjoyed doing something with myself and my time. I enjoyed the Zellars job because I could turn on my MP3 player, blast it, sing along and work my ass off. Well, not really working my ass off, but my body did get tore apart from working there, but even after many bruises, many cuts and all that, I enjoyed it. Clarke's was less hi-energy, but we both made slight friendships to a few people there. They truly appreciated what we did for them, and showed it. Things in my personal life were up and down and confusing, but I managed to stay strong.

November I quit my job due to the company screwing around with money. I moved back in with mom and dad and took a couple weeks off of down time so I could re-coup from the MANY hours I had been working at Tropi-Clean. I guess I re-couped too much. The 20th dad had a talk with me and told me that I either had to have a job by Friday or he would be filling my tank, giving me 100 bucks and sending me back to Kentville. I again was in shock. Just when things couldn't get any worse, my parents were, for a lack of a better term, kicking me out. I -had- been applying for jobs, I -had- be handing out resumes, but there really wasn't very much out there in the way of jobs. I discussed things with a few friends, and made my decision to come to the valley for the final time. I felt like people were thinking I was running from my problems. This would be the last time I made the Kentville-New Tusket move. My friends were more than generous to offer their houses for me to stay at for a few days at a time. I began looking for a job.

December was actually one of the best months out of the twelve. I got myself a job for a military family as a live in nanny to start January 18th, and Christmas was pretty amazing. I had no money to buy presents for anyone, but they all managed to understand. Christmas was spent at my parents house and was probably the best I had in a few years. I didn't have Andy around complaining that it was Christmas and that he didn't want to be celebrating it. I could just be me. I'm not used to just being me.

That brings me to my 2008 resolutions. My new years was brought in at Liz's house. I went online to wish those people Happy New Year on my game, and Andy was there. I wanted to be the bigger person, so I wished him, Deana and Atira a happy new year. He responded with 'Do me a favor and never talk to me again'. I was 2 minutes into the new year and had already cried over him. While sitting on Liz's bathroom floor crying because of the spit in the face he had given me, I vowed that I no longer would cry over a guy. My resolutions:

-I will never cry over a guy again. Sure, there are times that it's ok, but I will never let a man treat me to the point where I cry. Andy had done that to me too many times to count. I'm starting to think that that saying "No man is worth your tears, and the one who is, will never make you cry" is true. This one will be hard for me. I take things to heart and sometimes over react. I will change that. No more tears for boys (and their stupid boy penises HAHA)

-I will life my life for me. The three years I was with Andy, my life was dedicated to make him happy. I worked, I supported us, just so that he could have his pot, and his coffee and his smokes. I never got things for myself. I would also wake up at any time of night, just to go get him a coffee. I'm known for putting my thoughts, feelings, hopes, needs, desires and everything to the back burner just to satisfy the man that my eye is on. I'm a mother hen, and always have been, so there are some things that I wont be able to change, or that will take a lot of time, but I no longer will ask 'How high?' when a man asks me to do something for him. I will gain a backbone. I wont be a bitch, but I'll gain a backhone and live MY life.

-I will be going to bed earlier, and getting up earlier. Yes, my job will semi-force this, but that's not why I'm doing it. I'm partially sick of my dad bugging me about it, but its also gotten to a bad point. It's 7am now, and I haven't slept. Mind you, this note is majorly the cause of it, but still. I'll be going to bed around 11 or 12 and getting up at 6 or so.

-I will be exercising my brain and my body. More writing, more reading, more walks with my MP3 player. The writing and reading will be done when I'm not taking care of the kids, but the walks can be done while the boy is at school and I'm tending the little girl. I'll lose weight again, but the healthy way.

-I will find those little things in life that truly make me happy. I don't know what that means right now, but I will find that piece in me that thrives off acting and singing, and let that part of me out again. I truly miss acting and singing.

-I will not be ashamed of who I am and what's happened to me. My marriage has failed, but it wasn't me who failed it. Andy did. I need to realize it, and I will.

-My relationships will be more important to me. Friendships and romances. I guarantee that those who are close to me, will know it.

Mostly, lastly, and more importantly, I will no longer let this Andy BS control my life. I will no longer allow him to cause me stress. I no longer care about him, I no longer wish to be nice to him. I was the bigger person, and I'm content with that. I'm the only one who has to live my life for the entirety. People will come and go, friends will come and go, boyfriends and even husbands will come and go, pets will come and go. -I- am the only one I can count on to be there through thick and thin. I may have other things happen in my life which will cause another deep depression, but I am the only one who will be there at the other end, waiting. I love myself, and I will learn to love myself more and more each day for new reasons everyday.

I was going to say that I apologize for the length of this, but y'know what, I really don't. I got a lot of thoughts out that have been racing through my mind in the past week. I hope this perchance sheds some light to those who weren't fully aware of my situation, or were aware, but just didn't understand my reactions.

I thank everyone for this past year. For those who are still on my side, I owe you my life.