I seem to be doing that a lot in the past little bit, getting lost in my head. Not that I'm oblivious to what's going on around me, but maybe this is what your brain does when you dream. You sort out the thoughts that seem to over-whelm your head. Since I'm not asleep, my thoughts over run me at this hour.
I spent the past week reflecting on the past year, and its funny, I have no memories of March. I know that's an odd realization, but its true.
January I started my job at Online Support and met some really remarkable people. Katie for one whom I've stayed friends with. I remember at first wondering if she was pregnant, or just eating all the time in class for no reason. lol. I enjoyed the training even though I was so sick at some points. Not able to even speak due to my body seeming to want to die. I had a lung infection, asthma, bronchitis, and two ear infections. All along, I was thinking I was pregnant. Truly I think I was. Whether it was my being so sick that caused me to mis-carry, or it was a mis-carriage that caused me to be so sick, I dunno. But I do know for one, I'm surprised I was able to focus on the training since I was so sick, and had thoughts plowing through my head. After working there for a month, I got my first pay cheque, and I was thrilled. Went to my parents house for the weekend, like normal, and from that weekend stemmed one of the biggest fights I had with Andy. He managed to spend my entire first pay cheque, and he couldn't come up with receipts for what he had bought. Conclusion: pot. That's my memories from January.
February I continued to work at Online Support. Finished training, and completed ICU. I have a lot of memories from then, but nothing worth keeping my time or yours. I just recently remembered my Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is big for me. So many people hate the day, but if I have someone, I truly love the day. I'm a hopeful romantic and love the lovey things. Anyways, the day was spent with Andy upstairs in the attic where he seemed to be spending all his time. I should have been more curious. I spent the day waiting for him to supply those lovey things I crave on any normal day, but even more so on Valentine's Day. It came to be around 8pm and he hadn't even came downstairs to spend time with me, so, I went out with Brian Meisner, aka Moses for a drive and such. He was lonely, as was I, so we spent the evening together. The next day, I went to Foodland and bought Andy a goodie bag of treats for Valentine's Day. He was thankful, but I still never got anything from him for Valentine's.
March, as I've said before, doesn't seem to throw memories my way. Why? I'm not exactly sure. I worked. Andy and I's relationship dwinded more and more. I continued to go to my parents for weekends to go to church and be with them, and he continued to accuse me of being judgemental of his religion. Or, just my religion. As I typed this, one memory of March did come to mind. The Winkie Awards. Most people don't know what those are, but it was something for the theatre. Andy, Jeff, Andrew and I did improv, which was beyond fun. We performed the game 'props' and Andy and I were a team. Our prop was two rubbermaid tote tops. He finished the 'props' off by putting the two tops together and pretending it was a suitcase, and he was leaving me. This was March 9th. How interesting that just a month later, this would be the case. Its semi eerie to me actually about how coincidental it was.
April. *sigh* April is when my life as I knew it seemed to fall apart from around me. My dad was having pre-Easter services at his churches the week before easter, and had asked me to sing at one on the 3rd. I had to work that day, but got someone to cover my second split of my shift. I left directly from work and drove to NT for the service, then basically came straight back. I arrived in Kentville around 11 or so. I stopped at Tims to get Andy a coffee and then went to drop it off for him. He wasn't home. I then went to the library to go online to find him. Turns out he was at his friend Deana's house. I told him I had a coffee, and went to drop it off to him. He reluctantly let me into her apartment to get the coffee. When I asked him if he was ready to go, he then proceeded to tell me that he wasn't coming home. I was in shock. The 4th was his birthday, and for some reason, he wasn't coming home for his birthday. I left being confused, in shock, hurt, angry, and just... speechless. I went home, went to bed, cried, and eventually fell asleep. The next day, Andy's birthday, I worked, then came home, and he was there. I walked in, sat on the bed, and went on my laptop. "Is this how it's going to be? All weird and stuff?" Andy asked me. "I don't know Andy. I'm confused, I'm hurt, I'm angry. I just don't know." He proceeded to tell me something that I never really understood at the time, but seems to fall into place now. He told me something about spending the day with Deana and Eve. He was behind the mall, and this rock fell. I can't fully remember what he told me, but I know that to him it meant 'Don't be petrified/scared/terrified
Skip ahead a week. I worked the Saturday before easter. Brought Andy a coffee between shifts, gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and that I would see him after Easter since he told me to go to my parents so I could celebrate Easter. It semi turns my stomach wondering exactly why he wanted me away for the weekend. I spent the weekend there and came back Easter weekend, and Andy wasn't home. I figured he once again was at Deana's. It was getting to be too much that he would go to friends houses (either Deana or Eve's) and I would have to come bring him home. I didn't feel like chasing him like a lost puppy, so I just went to bed. I woke up to no Andy. Went to work. Came home. No Andy. Went to bed. Woke up to no Andy. Yada yada yada. This continued for a few days until I couldn't stand being in the house alone. My stomach was in knots. I had no clue what was happening to my marriage, and it scared me and bothered me so much. I started sleeping at Megan's. I wasn't eating, I was working my ass off to keep my mind off things, and spent my nights thinking many things and crying myself to sleep. My husband was at another woman's house, and not contacting me, not coming home. After about a week, my parents took a special trip to the valley for me. We went for supper and discussed where my marriage was. I was upset, and so were my parents. We semi-decided together that if he hadn't already ended it, that I would. The decision made me want to crawl into a hole. I felt like a failure, and had no answers.
I started looking for apartments and wanted out as soon as I could. I couldn't face anymore emotional drama. After 12 days of not hearing from Andy, I was at Megan's, and he comes online. My stomach lept into my throat as he wrote me asking where I was, that he was worried, that I hadn't called or wrote or emailed or anything. He told me that we needed to talk. I agreed and let him go first. He told me that we had drifted apart into two people who just weren't compatible anymore. That he still loved me, but the way that he loved me was different. That we'd be much better off being best friends. I agreed, and was SO relieved because it meant I didn't have to break up with him. We discussed specifics and agreed on it all. It was over, and I was content. I was the happiest I had been since it all had started. I had a celebratory smoke and called my parents to tell them the good news.
My happiness was short-lived however.
Two days afterwards, I was online before work, and an acquaintance of mine through the game that Andy and I play, wrote me asking what was up with Andy and I. I was confused because no one in the game knew about Andy and I splitting. I asked what they meant and they proceeded to tell me that there was a new character on saying that the person behind Andy's character was her mommy's new boyfriend. I was in shock. I was speechless. I knew right away who we were speaking of. It was Deana who has a 14 year old daughter Atira. I had no time to deal, I had to be at work.
The next few days are quite a blur of shock and questions. Had Andy been cheating on me all this time with Deana? How long had they been dating? Had he left me for her? What had I done wrong to make him leave me? Is this all a dream - a very bad dream? I was angry and upset. Upset about being lied to, and angry at Deana. So.Very.Angry. I dealt with it on my own and continued to talk to Andy the way we had said we would. I found an apartment and started on my new life.
May has a few key memories. A many which are not pleasant. At all. I moved into my new apartment and was thrilled to start my new life. Myself, Scrat and Kitty were so happy in our little apartment in Port Williams. Scrat wasn't used to being an indoor cat, so after a few days, I began to let him out for little bits at a time, always telling him to come home, and he did. On May 4th, I went to Windsor for pool, and on the way home, Scrat was found in the middle of the road, dead. I was crushed. Scrat had been my rock through everything. He and I had such an amazing connection and he was my best friend. I was heart-broken. He was buried behind my apartment building, and I cried myself to sleep that night, cuddled to Kitty. I couldn't believe that another bad thing had happened to me. I started to breathe again in life, and kept living the way I was. The weekend of the 13th was my dad's graduation and commissioning from Acadia. I was so proud of my dad. He had been through a lot in life, and still had the guts to pursue a new career in his 40s. That weekend, I had attempted to make a new friend, and it backfired on me. As happy of a weekend it was because of dad's good news, it was a very bad weekend for me, and in one weekend went through terror, panic, fear, shock, denial, acceptance, and realization. By Sunday night, I started to cry while at Liz's house in Dartmouth, and didn't stop. I cried all night long. In the morning, I was due to work, but was still crying. I asked Claire to come with me to work so I could explain why I needed a few days off. I'm glad she did. I explained to one person what had happened, and they allowed me to have some time off until my doctor told me to come back. Little did anyone know that I was having the longest panic attack of my life and that I wouldn't return to work for Online Support. The rest of May is a blur of panic attacks. The littlest things would set me off and I began to be very scared. Scared of myself. Scared because I was losing control. My entire world had fallen apart around me, and now, I can't even control myself or my emotions.
My panic attacks were not pleasant in the slightest. I only have a few memories of some of them. They were filled with bawling, hyper-ventilation, my body completely tensing up, and things of the sort. I ended up having to cut my nails because I was cutting my palms apart during attacks. I lost control of my mind during them. Something the doctors called dissociation. Where your brain can no longer handle what's happening, and stores thoughts and memories in different areas of your brain. To me, these resulted in out of body experiences. I watched myself do somethings I never would have imagined. I put my friends through a lot during them, and I thank them for being there.
June. My doctor continued to put me off work for a week at a time. I wasn't getting an income, but I wasn't off for a long time, so I couldn't apply for medical EI. I ended up getting evicted from my apartment because I couldn't pay June's rent, and I had to move in with my parents. This was such a hard switch for me. I continued to have panic attacks and didn't handle the change well. Early June, before moving, I met Tylor, who, I didn't know at the time, became a saving grace. June was spent being in New Tusket and Kentville, off and on. My mind was still numb to what was happening, but I was semi enjoying myself, keeping my mind off of the horrible things that had happened to me in the past 1.5 months.
July was actually where most of my growth started. I remember being scared of July 1st. It would have been my one year anniversary. I had told Larry that I wanted to go to Kingsport Beach that day to reflect. We brought along Tylor and two other friends. I sat in the sand, in the circle of rocks that were still there from the wedding exactly a year ago. I looked out into the ocean and reflected. I tried to not cry as Tylor approached me. He told me that he knew this was hard, but that he'd try to help, and then told me to come over and start having some fun. Looking back, that was probably my turning point, and him helping me out of the sand is quite the symbol of it all. July was spent mostly with Tylor, dealing with my issues. Tylor and I became close, and his friendship is one I'll value for a long time.
August holds a few memories, but nothing worth mentioning here. My friendship with Tylor grew more, and I began to view life with a smile. I still had hard times, and still cried, and still had my anger to deal with. I was seeing a therapist every 3 weeks, but just couldn't connect with her. My friends seemed to do a better job of it all than she did. So, I stopped seeing her. She assumed I was 'fine' anyways.
September really doesn't seem like that far away. Claire came down to my parents house for my birthday. We had a little party, and I then spent my birthday night in Kentville. Other than that, September was pretty uneventful I guess. Nothing else is really popping up in my mind.
October I started a new job. I was needing a job bad, and wanting to spend time with Tylor so he got me a job with him cleaning. I had a lot of fun for the month doing some manual labour. Its a shame it got all screwed around, because I really enjoyed doing something with myself and my time. I enjoyed the Zellars job because I could turn on my MP3 player, blast it, sing along and work my ass off. Well, not really working my ass off, but my body did get tore apart from working there, but even after many bruises, many cuts and all that, I enjoyed it. Clarke's was less hi-energy, but we both made slight friendships to a few people there. They truly appreciated what we did for them, and showed it. Things in my personal life were up and down and confusing, but I managed to stay strong.
November I quit my job due to the company screwing around with money. I moved back in with mom and dad and took a couple weeks off of down time so I could re-coup from the MANY hours I had been working at Tropi-Clean. I guess I re-couped too much. The 20th dad had a talk with me and told me that I either had to have a job by Friday or he would be filling my tank, giving me 100 bucks and sending me back to Kentville. I again was in shock. Just when things couldn't get any worse, my parents were, for a lack of a better term, kicking me out. I -had- been applying for jobs, I -had- be handing out resumes, but there really wasn't very much out there in the way of jobs. I discussed things with a few friends, and made my decision to come to the valley for the final time. I felt like people were thinking I was running from my problems. This would be the last time I made the Kentville-New Tusket move. My friends were more than generous to offer their houses for me to stay at for a few days at a time. I began looking for a job.
December was actually one of the best months out of the twelve. I got myself a job for a military family as a live in nanny to start January 18th, and Christmas was pretty amazing. I had no money to buy presents for anyone, but they all managed to understand. Christmas was spent at my parents house and was probably the best I had in a few years. I didn't have Andy around complaining that it was Christmas and that he didn't want to be celebrating it. I could just be me. I'm not used to just being me.
That brings me to my 2008 resolutions. My new years was brought in at Liz's house. I went online to wish those people Happy New Year on my game, and Andy was there. I wanted to be the bigger person, so I wished him, Deana and Atira a happy new year. He responded with 'Do me a favor and never talk to me again'. I was 2 minutes into the new year and had already cried over him. While sitting on Liz's bathroom floor crying because of the spit in the face he had given me, I vowed that I no longer would cry over a guy. My resolutions:
-I will never cry over a guy again. Sure, there are times that it's ok, but I will never let a man treat me to the point where I cry. Andy had done that to me too many times to count. I'm starting to think that that saying "No man is worth your tears, and the one who is, will never make you cry" is true. This one will be hard for me. I take things to heart and sometimes over react. I will change that. No more tears for boys (and their stupid boy penises HAHA)
-I will life my life for me. The three years I was with Andy, my life was dedicated to make him happy. I worked, I supported us, just so that he could have his pot, and his coffee and his smokes. I never got things for myself. I would also wake up at any time of night, just to go get him a coffee. I'm known for putting my thoughts, feelings, hopes, needs, desires and everything to the back burner just to satisfy the man that my eye is on. I'm a mother hen, and always have been, so there are some things that I wont be able to change, or that will take a lot of time, but I no longer will ask 'How high?' when a man asks me to do something for him. I will gain a backbone. I wont be a bitch, but I'll gain a backhone and live MY life.
-I will be going to bed earlier, and getting up earlier. Yes, my job will semi-force this, but that's not why I'm doing it. I'm partially sick of my dad bugging me about it, but its also gotten to a bad point. It's 7am now, and I haven't slept. Mind you, this note is majorly the cause of it, but still. I'll be going to bed around 11 or 12 and getting up at 6 or so.
-I will be exercising my brain and my body. More writing, more reading, more walks with my MP3 player. The writing and reading will be done when I'm not taking care of the kids, but the walks can be done while the boy is at school and I'm tending the little girl. I'll lose weight again, but the healthy way.
-I will find those little things in life that truly make me happy. I don't know what that means right now, but I will find that piece in me that thrives off acting and singing, and let that part of me out again. I truly miss acting and singing.
-I will not be ashamed of who I am and what's happened to me. My marriage has failed, but it wasn't me who failed it. Andy did. I need to realize it, and I will.
-My relationships will be more important to me. Friendships and romances. I guarantee that those who are close to me, will know it.
Mostly, lastly, and more importantly, I will no longer let this Andy BS control my life. I will no longer allow him to cause me stress. I no longer care about him, I no longer wish to be nice to him. I was the bigger person, and I'm content with that. I'm the only one who has to live my life for the entirety. People will come and go, friends will come and go, boyfriends and even husbands will come and go, pets will come and go. -I- am the only one I can count on to be there through thick and thin. I may have other things happen in my life which will cause another deep depression, but I am the only one who will be there at the other end, waiting. I love myself, and I will learn to love myself more and more each day for new reasons everyday.
I was going to say that I apologize for the length of this, but y'know what, I really don't. I got a lot of thoughts out that have been racing through my mind in the past week. I hope this perchance sheds some light to those who weren't fully aware of my situation, or were aware, but just didn't understand my reactions.
I thank everyone for this past year. For those who are still on my side, I owe you my life.
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